


"I'm not hurt I promise"

by Happy_Smiling_Things



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 18:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20783393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happy_Smiling_Things/pseuds/Happy_Smiling_Things
Summary: Cassian comes back after a dangerous mission, and Nesta realizes it’s time to let her guard down.





	"I'm not hurt I promise"

“They shouldn’t be so long…” Murmured Nesta.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure they’re fine.”

Elain was probably right, she shouldn’t worry like that. They had already done a lot of spy missions, they were used to do it. But something kept bothering Nesta nevertheless, she had a bad feeling about all of this…

“They said it wouldn’t take them more than two hours. It’s been five hours now, what are they doing?”

“Calm down, no one would be crazy enough to attack them when they are together,” countered Mor, lazily sipping on her glass of wine.

Nesta glared at her and started to pace in the living-room, arms crossed. Every now and then, she would look at the balcony, hoping to see them land or winnow, hoping to see him safe and sound.

She would sooner die than admit it out loud, but there was something, she was feeling something for the insufferable bat, and not matter how hard she’d tried, these feelings couldn’t be repressed.

It was exactly the same for this stomach wreaking feeling.

Grimacing, she lightly touched her left side, brushing her rib cage. She’d felt such a harsh pain two hours from now she could have sworn someone had stabbed her.

“Why don’t you come and seat with me? You could finish the book you’ve started-”

“I don’t want to seat and read a book Elain.”

Seeing her lightly flinch at her hard response, Nesta let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. She may be nervous and restless at the moment, but Elain was only trying to be kind and offer support.

“I’m sorry, I’m just-”

“A bit anxious?” Her sister offered.

Nesta served her an apologetic smile before going to the balcony, taking a deep breath and looking at the stars, letting the soft light calm her. Once she felt better, she came back inside, walking to the table where every note and map had been left. She took the little piece of paper half hidden under a list of weapons, and read it for the twelfth time.

_“Nesta,_

_I know you don’t care about politics, and you’re probably going to put the note in the fireplace without reading it, but I’m writing it anyway._

_As you know, Illyrians have been… difficult lately, and some words came to us that a rebellion was planned from a camp in the North. We decided to go there to remind them who’s their High Lady and Lord. It shouldn’t be long, and Az’s spies helped us to size the dangerousness of this mission, so nothing should happen to your sister. I know I’ve promised you that once and failed you, but I won’t fail you twice. You have my word that Feyre will come back safe and whole._

_Cassian.”_

She wished the note wouldn’t hurt her, but it did, and it did every time she read it. It was something to know he felt guilty for what had happened to her and Elain, but it was another to see it inked on paper.

She had hated him for that. During the first weeks after being Made, she had hated him with all her heart.

But once the rage had faded, and her brain had started to work normally again, logic had straightened her thoughts. No matter what he would’ve done that day, he wouldn’t have been able to stop the King of Hybern from throwing them both on that Cauldron. He was too injured, the King too powerful and his brother’s life was at stake.

So she had hated him more for it. Every chance she’d got to hurt him and remind him his failure, she had taken it. She’d fed her rage from the hurt on his eyes, smiled as he flinched and laughed every time he had tried to talk to her.

All of this because that day, when he had laid on the floor, his wings destroyed, she’d felt it.

Every move he’d tried to make, every sound that had escaped his lips, she had felt it deep down. She had felt his pain, his rage and guiltiness.

And now she felt it too, but the rage was gone, replaced by sadness. She’d never talked to anyone about it, but she knew what it meant. She’d seen Feyre and Rhysand, observed how they were drown toward each other. Sometimes, she’d let her mind wander, imagining what it’d be like to have that connection with Cassian, to share their mind and life.

And every time she’d throw these thoughts away. She could never let him in, she couldn’t take the risk to let her guard down. She’d done it too many times in the past, and she’d promised herself not to do it again.

“They’re coming!” Jolted Elain.

Hearing her sister shout made Nesta reconnect with reality, and she turned toward the balcony, letting the note slip of her hand on the floor.

Azriel landed first, his eyes dark and siphons bright, blood dripping from a cut on his forearm. Elain ran to him as Mor winnowed to find Madja, and soon after, Feyre and Rhys appeared.

Finding her sister just as well as she’d left, Nesta turned toward the balcony again and went straight up to Cassian, who barely got the time to set a feet on the ground before her hands and eyes were on him, searching for an injury.

“It was a trap, they took us by surprise the second we arrived at the camp,” started to explain Azriel. “Those bastards had their arrows ready for us, and a squadron attacked us with swords.”

Nesta kept her focus on the Illyrian in front of her, the scent of blood filling her nose.

“Where are the wounds?” She asked, moving her hand away as he tried to still her.

“I’m fine, it’s okay Nes.”

She glared at him for the nickname and pulled up his left arm, stopping at the sight of blood pouring out from a nasty cut.

“Cass took a shot for me,” said Feyre. “I’m not sure I’d be here if he hadn’t.”

“Don’t lie, I’m sure you would have slayed him just fine.”

“I got Madja, where is Cassian?”

Seeing Mor rushing to them, Nesta walked away from the Illyrian, letting her put his arm around her shoulders to guide him on the couch. She stayed on the balcony, looking as Mor was helping him to lay down so Madja could get a look on his wounds. Feyre, Rhys and Az were still talking about the attack with the rest of the group, but she wasn’t listening. Looking down at her hands, she froze at the sight of all the blood.

His blood.

“Don’t move, I have to remove the arrowhead from your side,” instructed Madja to the Illyrian.

The low groan of pain he let out made Nesta flinch, memories from another day where he had been on the floor on his blood flashing in her head.

Rushing to the door, Nesta fled out of the room, away from the blood, the pain, away from him.

She didn’t look back when he cried out for her, stretching out a hand for her against the healer’s instructions.

“Always walking away…” murmured Mor.

“Leave her alone,” harshly retorted Cassian, brushing her hand off of his arm.

The healer glared at him for moving so much, but continued to work, cleaning the wound properly.

“We need to know how they did that,” continued Rhys. “Meet me when you’re healed, so we can think of a way to make them pay for that.”

He didn’t let anyone contest his words, taking Feyre’s hand so they could winnow together. Once Madja was done with Cassian, she walked to Az, inspecting the cut on his forearm quickly, Elain at his side.

Seeing them together hurt Cassian a little. He wished Nesta would’ve stayed with him like her sister with his brother. But Nesta was who she was, and he wouldn’t blame her, even if it was hard sometimes.

Closing his eyes after drinking some remedy to dull the pain, he let sleep take him away for a while.

She shouldn’t have left like that.

She shouldn’t have, but it was stronger than her. All of this felt too familiar, it brought back too many things she wish she could’ve forgotten since then.

Putting her book back on the bookshelf, Nesta sighed, looking at her hands. She was tired of all of that, all these images she couldn’t forget, all these feelings she couldn’t suppress. At first, all these feelings had seemed like a weakness she needed to push away, but the more time passed, the more her walls felt like her real weakness.

She had locked herself in her room all day, not daring to go back where everyone was. She couldn’t stand the sight of Cassian injured, of Mor seating next to him just like Elain had done it with Az. But even if she had felt anger boil inside for how Mor had reacted, it was guilt for fleeing and anxiety for not knowing how Cassian was that filled her now.

Deciding to go for some fresh air, Nesta walked out of her bedroom and listened for any sound of conversation in the house. She recognized her sister’s voice, gently conversing with Azriel and Mor downstairs about the situation. Taking the opposite direction, she went up for the balcony overlooking the city, realizing it was already dusk as she approached the doors.

Taking a few more steps, she closed her eyes, letting the light breeze caress her skin, smoothing her anxiety. She put her hands on the railing, feeling the stone under her palms, inhaling as deep as she could, taking in all the scents around her to calm her mind.

That’s when she felt him.

Slowly opening her eyes, Nesta turned her head on the side and discovered Cassian, standing stripped to the waist just an arm-length away from her. The last rays of sunlight were reflecting on his skin and hair, making him more handsome than she thought he could ever look. His eyes on the other hand were so full of sadness that she felt a pang of pain inside.

Tearing her eyes from his face, she looked at the bandage wrapped around his torso, a bloodstain on his side where the arrow had harmed him. He had other light cuts and scratches, but he seemed fine even with that bigger wound.

Approaching him silently, she raised her hand, brushing the bandage, careful not to touch it too hard. Cassian stayed still, but she felt him twitch under her fingers.

“Nesta, I-”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, looking up at him.

Cassian’s brows furrowed, and she took a few seconds, debating with herself. Her instincts dictated her to get away from him, seeing him as a threat for her fortress, but she was tired of hiding all alone behind her big walls.

“What are you apologizing for?” He asked, cupping her cheek with a warm hand.

“I should have stayed when you came back today, to make sure you were safe, and to thank you for protecting my sister.”

“It’s nothing, I’m okay.”

“Stop lying, you got shot, it’s not nothing, and you’re definitely not okay.”

“Nesta,” he started while taking her chin between his fingers to make her look at his face, “I’m not hurt, I promise. It was just an arrow, I’ve known worse.”

She glared at him but didn’t protest, absentmindedly caressing his side with her thumb. Shivering, Cassian mirrored her gesture, pulling her slightly closer with his free hand, stroking her waist just like she was doing to him. As soon as she felt it, the pain she had felt while she had been waiting for him to come back vanished.

“I know I’m difficult and cold, and I’ve treated you more than poorly since that day with the king of Hybern. I’m know I’ve hurt you repeatedly, and I wish things were easier, but I can’t help myself, every time you’re near me I put my guard up and…”

Cassian’s lips crashed against hers, and just like that, her walls tumbled down, destroyed by the softness of their kiss. Letting herself go, Nesta responded to his kiss, putting a hand on his hair, tangling her fingers in the ebony strands, savoring the gentle touches.

She pulled out first, putting a hand on his chest, the other still on his side as if it could heal him quicker. Taking her breath, she didn’t lower her head, keeping her eyes in his, trying to make him understand everything she wanted to tell him through that look. She could feel his heart beat strongly against her palm, and the constant beating appeased her.

“You are my mate, and I’m willing to make efforts-” she whispered.

“Since when do you know?”

“Since the day I’ve been Made. I didn’t want to admit it, I wasn’t ready for something so big. It was easier to hate you than to accept the fact that that Cauldron had decided who I was going to be for eternity and with who I should spend that endless time with.”

“I will never force you to be with me Nesta,” Cassian replied, “I thought you knew me enough to know that I would never do that.”

“I know you’re not like that, but at that time I didn’t, and I had so much rage and anger in me I just couldn’t accept that bond between us two.”

Surprise was still visible on his face, but there was something else, something she had not seen on his face since a long time, at least not when they were alone.

“What about now?” He asked with hope in his voice. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to get rid of that shell I’m constantly wearing. I want to enjoy what I’ve been given, I want to make peace with myself and with you. I’m done constantly fighting. I want to be happy, and I want to know what it’s like to be happy with you.”

Cassian’s arms encircled her waist and he pulled her against him, hugging her. She put her arms around his shoulders and nestled her head on the crook of his neck, taking in his warmth. This, what they were having right now, that’s what she wanted to have.

“Forgive me for everything I’ve done to you,” she murmured against his skin.

“I forgive you sweetheart.”

“I’m gonna get better, just give me a little time.”

Cassian’s laugh made her heart skipped a beat, and she let herself smile as he kissed her temple before cupping her cheeks, his eyes bright and his smile wide.

“Don’t worry about it Nesta, we have all the time in the world.”


End file.
